My Crib

We were riding in the car the yesterday when Susannah found a sweet picture of Anthony when he was about 2 weeks old.  We were all ooohhing and ahhing at how cute and little he was.  She passed it back to him and said that that was him as a little baby.  He said, "AWW so cute.  Is that when I was still in Bulgaria and in a crib?"
No precious boy, you have always been here.  You were born in Mama's tummy.  So cute to realize how much they think about and internalize all that is going on.
It reminds me of bedtime about 4 months ago when he was hugging me and said when he grows up he was going to get lots of babies and carry them with him everywhere.  I asked him where he was going to get his babies from and he said confidently, "from Bulgaria!"  Ah of course.

Or a couple of nights ago when we were checking out N. "David's" picture on the computer and he says, "I want to go get him right now!"  I said well I do too but we dont even know if we will be able to adopt N.  He defiantly said, "Yes, I want him to come home now.  I love him."  He is going to make a very good big brother.

Waging war

God you are my GOD.  Direct my steps.  We are back in the game, for now. 

"For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does.

The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. 

On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.

We demolish arguments and every pretension that 

sets itself up against the knowledge of God, 

and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

2 Corinthians 10:3-5

PRAYING fervently for God to move His hand and remove the obstacles blocking the way.  

He is able!  Pray with me.  

Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord! Psalm 27:14


After agonizing weeks and months of striving and trying to get approved.  I have hit a brick wall with DCFS.  I was told on Monday that we can not go any further at this time.  With the way things are in DCFS I am unable to adopt internationally.  If things change in the way things are processed I would be able to apply again.  For now we are finished.
This is heartbreaking for us, and we once again cry out to God, "why? what now?"  I have no answers.

Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord! Psalm 27:14


Things I know, God has been all over this.  I have seen His love for me, my children, the orphans, and the whole world in a new way.  The way I cherish my time with each of my kids and want to lead them to know and serve God wholeheartedly.  Seeing how much more I can deny myself to help and serve others.  His redemption.  His saving grace.  How completely desperate and unable I am to bring myself into the family of God, but how in His mercy, He welcomed me into His family.  He chose me to be His forever.  My eyes have been opened to pain and suffering all around me more that makes me want to love and live without hesitation.  I have longed for heaven to come quickly, unlike ever before.  I have prayed for and loved someone who has never even known me and never will.   

Mostly I wanted to update everyone who is still waiting to hear what has happened.  I do not feel like He has finished what He has started, but in my limited understanding I am sitting still and empty.  I know not what will happen, but I trust in Him who does.  I will follow Him all of my days, no matter what the cost.

Thanks to all of you for your prayers, support and encouragement.  Love, Lisa

if You will make a way.....

Dear God,  You know how much I want to follow You.  You have showed me Your heart for the orphan.  Thank You for loving all of us.  Thank You for hearing our cries.  Please reach down and rescue those who are being neglected and mistreated everywhere.  I Know You LORD.  I have seen and believed in Your great strength and power.  You have given me a love for N. beyond my comprehension.  Please move through this situation.  Be exalted.  Glorify Your name.  Reveal Your power.  I am ready to walk this hard and new road, if only You will make a way.

Often times I will ask my children to do something.  "Please go pick up the basement."  And instead of the cheerful, "Yes Mommy," that I was hoping for I get some variation of one or more of the excuses below.

"Can someone help me?" 

"I didnt make that mess."
"Why do I have to?"
"Can I have ______________ when I'm done?"
You dont know how many times I can hear all these excuses and deals in a day.  They really are looking out for number one.  Not wanting to get the short end of the stick.  Work harder than the next kid or do something with out it benefiting them.  At times this really bothers me.  "Just say Yes and do it."
During church yesterday, I realized how much like my kids I am.  I have went around and around these deals and bartering with God over this adoption stuff so many times.

When God first started calling me to step out of my comfort and pursue adoption.  I explained to Him that really others are better equipped, my effort wasnt going to be enough so I wanted someone else to do it.  After all what different would one child make?  I also heard from others and sometimes dared to believe, Following God on this might short change the plans I had for my life, paying off my debt, vacations, moving.  What about my other kids? The sacrifice might be too much.  But I didnt cause God to change His mind.  Still He called me to come enter in with Him in His plan of caring for the least of these.

But then I started looking toward the prize.  If I do this God then __________.  I want to be rewarded by everything smooth sailing, paperwork going quickly, money being raised effortlessly, people being happy for me.  Ever changing "rewards" I think I "deserve" for "faithfully" "obeying". I know it looks gross on paper.  But it is really in my heart sometimes, more subtly, sometimes not.

My kids after asking if they can have a cookie after finishing the jobs and me either saying nothing or we will see, will run and tell the others, "Hurry, Mommy said we can have a cookie after we are done!"  Silly kids, I never promised any reward for there obedience, but they so wanted it that they convinced themselves that it was due them and would be coming.  I have done that too, If I keep persevering, then I will get approved.  After all this, surely I have to be approved.  Why would God allow.....?
There is no promise from God about the outcome of this approval/ adoption.  I am convinced I am where He wants me to be.  I am completely willing to adopt this child to be my son.  To change my world.  To be added to our family forever.  But that is not where I am today.  Today God has asked me to come.  To wait.  To trust.  To pray.  To risk my emotions.  To "sacrifice" "my" money, not for the reward, but to simply obey and say, "yes God."  I hear it.  Get it..  My insides still cry out "But why???  It's not fair"  when I think that this may all be over soon.  I know that God has a plan for my life.  A good plan, and He knows what that is, and He doesnt make mistakes.  I will trust in that and try to silence my fears as I wait again, for now, giving my hopes and expectation to God.  Thrilled that He would call me to walk with Him and know Him better.

Jeremiah 29:11-13
For I know the plansI have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Luke 17:7-10
7“Suppose one of you had a servant plowing or looking after the sheep. Would he say to the servant when he comes in from the field, ‘Come along now and sit down to eat’? 8Would he not rather say, ‘Prepare my supper, get yourself ready and wait on me while I eat and drink; after that you may eat and drink’? 9Would he thank the servant because he did what he was told to do? 10So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.’”

Closer to Home

I love the life that God has given me.  I really do.  I hear from others how hard I have it, but most of the time, I think really? "I think I have it pretty good."  But really no matter how good or bad we think we have it here it all pales in comparison the the glory that awaits us.  One day my heavenly Father will come and bring me Home.  I am really looking forward to the day.  At the end of the day, I am one more step closer to home.

Fear of hoping again/ still.  It really is evidence of my great lack of faith.  If my Hope is in Him alone , where I claim that it is, than how can I fear.  But I do.  LORD, increase my faith.  I want my hope to be in you alone.
Today I got word that I need to revamp my homestudy and try to reapply due to my finances.  Even though my finances have not changed.  Even though they know every detail of my budget and every source of my income.  I need to rewrite my budget to show broken out what money I use to take care of these 6 kids and to show that I still have enough "other" money to meet the financial requirements and adequately provide for yet another child.  But there is still no assurance that they will approve, but this is what I need to do.  Another hoop.  So I move forward.  I am thankful for another chance, another hoop.  Lord, direct my steps.  I wonder how much more I can take, but remember that God knows each day before it was here.  Walk by faith and not by sight.